Touching, hugging

There's something odd in all that's happening.

I was a child that needed cuddles from her mom, but hardly got any.
I think she gave mer a hug now and then, but I can't remember them. She loved to hit me, with words, with a wooden shoe, with a basket. She loved to tear me down, criticise me, hurt me.

But I was lucky to have a nice gram, and even though my father wasn't a person who hugged, I could always feel his love and care. His presence was enough.

Then I went in the time of life it was not the outside world that refrained from hugging, but I did.
In a way, looking back, I hated to be acknowledged for my creativity, talents or anything else.
I knew how to develop my talents, the nuns of school saw them and stimulated them.
Made me youngest member of an editing team, and a lot more.
I got free lessons at the local ballet school after my mom decided not to let me train for the ballet academy... it was too much of a fuzz to bring me to town, she said.

I landed in the artist world. The fake hugs, the kisses in the air, the artificial 'hello darling', when they just wished you a thousand miles away so they could take all the applause and cheers.

It was the time I just hated people to touch me.
None wanted to anyway, I thought.

So I missed a few boyfriends, became lonely and married the wrong man.
That's life.

My kids didn't miss a hug... not one.

Men tried to take a hug...

Then I became older...less interesting for men.
I was OK with that.
Looked astranged to women my age who lowered their cleavage and raised their skirts.
And those dating online, using photo's of 20 years ago, being disappointed after they met the men in the local pub, who also used photos thet found in a shoebox.

Acknowledging my marriage was a failure...a huge one... Loosing the need to be hugged.
Just being me.

And finally... finally I accepted me.. being me...
I don't need another person to define me, I'm OK with myself.

I got new friends.
And hugging was so natural.
And arm around my shoulder was OK.
Enjoying a normal friendship was OK.
Just to be valued as a person and value the other too.

Being part of a group of friends.
Be trusted....

And then Corona came and threw all the plans away.

We should have a great time now....

Think I need a hug.....

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